The reader of this poem
Is as musical as a voice with a beautiful tone
Cleverer than an Oxford scholar
As chatty as a teenager on their mobile phone
As blue as rain on a hot summer’s day
More exhausted than a runner after a long distance race
As unique as my Asperger’s gene
Lean like the aglet at the end of my lace
As raging as a volcano
More funny than a fart
Playful like a kitten
As loving as my heart
The reader of this poem
Is as thoughtful as a nurse
But if you get to know him
He’s lonelier than the universe
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5 comments:
Hi Allspark,
Thank you for your patience and another top poem. You've followed the directions perfectly. The theme, use of simile, line count and rhyme scheme are spot on. Even with your natural talent, this is imporatant; as there is always much/more to learn.
The theme is difficult becuse you don't know anything specific about the many poeple who might read your poem. I think you've done a good job of representing the contrasts and perhaps common traits of human readers.
In this way, the line
"As unique as my Asperger's gene."
works well to center the poem.
This trait is shared by many but also unique in in each person - like all genes or combination of genes.
The contrasts in the third stanza:
"raging" "funny" "Playful" and "loving" represent the variety in all of us. Excellent depth of meaning here.
The loveliest sounding line is the alliterative:
"Lean as the aglet at the end of my lace"
The only slight hiccups, for me, in the poem a rhythmic. You haven't studied metre yet; so this is kind of an extra credit/challenge coomment based on your prvious demonstrated potential.
Compare the flow of the third stanza with the first. Also to the final stanza:
"The reader of this poem
Is as thoughtful as a nurse
But if you get to know him
He's lonelier than the universe."
To my ear, the first three lines flow perfectly, but the final line seems a bit long, has too many "beats." Again, this is something you'll study in the future; but I believe you you have the ability to "feel" the rhythm.
Are you reading your poems aloud? Testing them on an audience? This may help.
Having said that about the rhythm, the final stanza is moving and beautiful. The combination of a thoughtful yet lonely perfectly represents both sensitive readers and humans. Saying something about being a human being will powerfully grab any reader. It's certainly reached this one. Thanks.
Hey Allspark,
It was an honour to read such a wonderful attempt at Task 2. Not only did this attempt manage to follow the rules perfectly, you allowed a piece of yourself to shine through your words.
Your use of simile was unique and imaginative and managed to represent the different types of people that we meet everyday.
Line 1 on stanza 2 allows a very strong contrast to be created between rain and sunshine; it's a true reflection of what people are like, for not everyone feels the same at the same times.
Your stanzas connect both the reader and yourself as the writer, for your use of "my" shows us that there is a personality that walks hand in hand with your writing.
I agree with Pugnax that sometimes your lines can seem a bit too long, even though they fit perfectly in with the poem.
"More exhuasted than a runner..." loses the rhythm of the line previous to it just a tiny bit, but it fits in with your theme because it shows the difference that two people can be feeling at one time.
My favourite line: "Is as musical as a voice with a beautiful tone"
Beauty and music mean a lot to me - you've really moved me with that one.
A fantastic attempt at Task 2, keep up the good work. I'm really looking foward to your Task 3 and I hope that my comments have helped.
E. :)
Hey, Allspark!
This poem is really great! I was actually smiling as i read through it! This shows your creativity and how imaginative you are.
My personal favourite stanza was the last because the last line "He's lonlier than a universe" makes you feel sorry for him and, in contrast to the rest of the poem, it shows life isn't all smiles and happy faces.
While I was reading it, some of the lines seemed too long and they sort of stood out. What I thought was that this task should consist of lines that are short yet effective.
Other than that, this was a brilliant attempt! Great job, Allspark.
crazylike_woah
I read it aloud pugnax and I agree with what you said about the rhythm.
Thanks for your comment!
Thanks crazylike_woah.
I agree, some lines did seem a bit too long in the first two stanzas, but the last two stanzas were quite short.
In future work I will try to keep the lines flowing nicely.
Thanks!!
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