The sun is a chili on fire in my mouth,
Shimmering red glossy and bright.
Sunshine is a flower blossoming all pretty,
The same as flowers we depend on its light.
It is an orange round big and strong,
The juicy citrus rays put laughter on my face.
The sun is a big beautiful bar of gold,
I wish I could carry the sun in my case.
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2 comments:
Hi, Freyastar,
It's fun to read your poem again. Good work with your improvements - I can see that you've taken the comments about line variation onboard. Well done.
Also, I do like the 'glossy and bright' better without the 'really' - good call.
I like 'on fire in my mouth' too - it's nice to see that you're commited to improving things. You can't make everything as good as it could be the first time, however long you write for. The key is to be good at revising.
I like all the revisons here, and I really like the poem. Take care,
Andy
OMG Your poem is The Best out of all of them !! x
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