The writer of this poem
Is as kind as a bird,
As energetic as young kittens,
As fast as a runner winning first second and third.
Free just like angels,
Pretty just like swans.
Arty just like Henry Moore
Clever just like cons
As musical as Escarla,
As sweets as a cherry.
As sporty as a gold medalist,
As strong as a ferry.
The reader of this poem
Is as lucky as a millionaire,
As graceful as horses galloping
As juicy a a pear.
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4 comments:
Hey again,
Your similies are as cool as your metaphors. I especially like 'energetic as young kittens' and 'free just like angels.'
I like the sound of the second stanza. It pays to read writing aloud (in my case when there's no one else in the house) - that way you can hear how it sounds. Maybe you've done this already, but try reading that second stanza aloud. Can you hear a rythm to it?
Anyway, rythm is something that'll be more important later in writing, but just so you know - that bit is great. Hear it for yourself.
Let's look at some of the similies in detail. You've been creative - 'strong as a ferry' and 'graceful as horses' show your free thinking.
One thing to look out for with similies about a specific thing, is that they have to complement each other, and they have to be logical, however wacky they might be.
So, if we take the line 'clever just like cons' and compare it to 'kind as a bird' there's a contrast. One is kind, the other is clever 'like a con' - so clever in a way that might trick you, might not be kind. I like 'clever just like cons' as a line - it's cool, but it has to fit the thing you're describing.
Another line :'as fast as a runner winning first second and third' is a bit tricky in terms of logic. This is because if he or she's in a race, those positions have to be taken by different people, unless it's a time trial, but then they wouldn't be 'winning' those positions, just making them part of their overall score.
It's picky, but your stuff has to follow logic, even if it's creative logic. Another picky thing - sorry - is 'As sweets as a cherry.' Check out 'sweets' - it's a typo. I'll bet you'll find typos everywhere - even in what I'm typing right now D: - so it's not a criticism, I'm just helping out.
Great to read your work again. I can see you understand exactly what using similies means, and more than that - you've done it in a fun and creative way. I liked it a lot. Take care,
Andy
(Also - I don't mind that you did 'the writer of this poem' cos it's a good piece with loads of similies, but I think the task was 'the reader of this poem.' I guess that means you're being secretive :D I look forward to your next piece).
Awsomeeeee!(LMAO) No but seriously your poem is awsome dude:P ☆☆☆
Hello,
I'm one of your JnrWordvoodooo moderators,as you may or may not know, but, erm, yeah....hi!!!
I want to start by saying that you have imagination! I love your similies-they're very unique, not like the boring "as cold as ice" or "as sharp as a knife" and all those other predictable ones. I really liked "as musical as Escarla" and "free just like angels." They really show your imagination and creativity.
However, I agree with the previous comment-the similie that you uses-"As fast as a runner winning first, second and third" does not really make sense-remember to use your logic!
You did make a few typos-"as SWEETS as cherries" and in the last line-"As juicy A a pear." Just remember to check your work before you publish it.
On the whole, I think that your work is very inventive and artistic-well done!!!
Good Luck for the next task and I really do look forward to it!
Take care!
Hey Freyastar,
Your attempt at Task 2 was one that was both lovely and successful, congratulations!
I love the variation in the similes that you've decided to include in your writing. Every simile that follows one after the other changes and offers us as the reader a new feeling and a new idea through your words.
My favourite lines are:
"Free just like angels,
Pretty just like swans."
Try to use words other than "free" or "pretty". Pretty can be expressed in so many wonderful ways that can make your writing shine. Beautiful and innocent are just two examples that you may like to use in your future attempts. :)
You ended the poem with a really adorable simile, however, I'm not sure that "as juicy as a pair" really describes the audience. But, of course, it's lovely to be described as juicy, for it may show that we are bubbly in nature and are as sweet as a pear.
Thank you for a lovely Task 2, best of luck to you in Task 3!
I hope that my comments have helped and keep up the fantastic work.
E. =]
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